I’m sorry. I just don’t give a fuck about you. I don’t know why.
We’re the same person but at the same time complete strangers.
There’s so much stuff I’m supposed to do for you that I just don’t want to do.
In the past I never cared too much about my future self either, I always figured “well, as long as I’m alive, breathing and with all my limbs I’ll be happy.”
I saw an image one time that said “When you can’t bring yourself to do your homework tell yourself you’re going to die one day”.
Oddly that advice has the opposite effect on me. Knowing that I will die and have no idea when makes me want to skate by through life with minimal effort and just have fun along the way. Like it’s not worth it to be stressed
There’s no “right” way to live but this just doesn’t feel right and I don’t know how to correct it.
I have tunnel vision. I could probably be wildly succesful if I was motivated enough. But I just see myself waking up one day as a 50 year old who never lived.
Why do I have such a phobia of the corporate world?
Maybe it’s because I like being the smartest person in the room at my blue collar jobs. Maybe this all just a fear of my ego being deflated.
God damn it I wish my subconscious could talk to me so we could sort this shit out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN
Immature right? I know and I hate that I think that way.
This one guy at my work said “getting a job is too mainstream”
I thought he was joking but he was being serious.
At first I wanted to laugh at him because of course I’m so much holier and smarter than him
But reflecting on myself, I think that’s deep down the same mentality I have.
In my education classes they told us that the classroom is a microcosm of society.
I’ve never fit in at school, always got in trouble, never did homework.
I feel like getting a degree will just make history repeat.
I’ll be standing around a water cooler bullshitting with the same people I hated in highschool. Putting a smile on my face and take the corporate cock like a good whore should.
I read some where that change is impossible without angst.
So maybe it’s good that I’m being an angsty little bitch right now.
Maybe I can still create change without doing what everyone else is doing.
I think what’s been holding back so much is the stupid voice in my head that makes me feel like I should be living life up every single day and not planning for tomorrow because I could die any second. How do I stop being so fucking irrational? It’s like a virus in the computer of my mind, I can’t help but be self destructively hedonistic. I don’t want to be one of those guys who’s a 50 year old dog walker and smoking pot every day with no savings to speak of. Fuck, I guess it’s true what they say that life gives you the test first and the lesson second
A villager offers flowers to a female adult elephant lying dead in a paddy field in Panbari village, India. The elephant was hit by a train and killed while crossing railway tracks with a herd of wild Asiatic elephants.